Herrington: In Defense of Gay Marriage: A Modest Proposal

Chris Herrington, Contributing Writer

     Once we have genetically tested to make sure that every couple now married is, in fact, the union of one man and one woman, that is after we have come to a scientific definition of what we mean when we use the terms “man” and “woman,” and once we have dealt with the issues of what to do with inter-sexed people who have the genetic coding of both sexes, since it makes little sense to deny a human being to marry anyone under all circumstances, we can think of the billions of dollars and 10’s of thousands of jobs that we will not create if we do not allow gay marriage.

     Now, this may seem like a flimsy excuse to allow people of the same sex to marry, and for some the same would apply under a horde of other circumstances (if we have to clean up our pollution, then it will cost jobs because it will cost more to produce our products that have evil byproducts), it seems that the real problem is cost to the consumer. If businesses were to have to charge more, then the services may not be valuable enough. With gays, this would not be a burden. Value added concepts such as going green or pink or ginger are a cost plus concept when planning a gay wedding. If we think of the stylistic hyperbole we associate with gays on TV, the costs are bound to go into the stratosphere with every head-bob and finger-twitch! Cakes, suits, hair dressers, party attire, food catering, wedding planners, and in fact an endless supply of jobs might be created by gay weddings as a niche industry. Elvis eat your heart out! Enter Ru Paul!

     Pre-marital counseling aside, bride’s maids, grooms, pets, and asteroids! Can we even begin to imagine the lengths to which some gay couples might go to look like celebrities? The Village People of the Isle, and the onlookers would have to have “what-in-order” in order to be in order? This is compounding by the minute! The banquets, the minibars, the waiters, the dancers: it would make every wedding into a veritable dancert! The cars, the boats, the houses, the vacations, the parties before and after, the bachelors’ parties, the boom in couples eligible to adopt children, and the long line of brides waiting on the perfect dress. Jane on! Honeymoon heaven for those who have rooms in villas and lodges and hotels and motels and bed and breakfasts all over the knowable world!

     And the documents for the lawyers to sign and deliver: contracts, pre-nups, and wavers of all kinds. Good God, wouldn’t the lawyers have a field day? And the photos and celebrating, tattoos, the poems, and paintings, and the cruises, and house warming gifts. And the home makeovers!!!! And all of that insurance! Oh, and if the entire thing went into the toilet…the divorces and the separation of property! I just don’t know if in this crucial moment in our country’s financial history we can afford not the have gay marriage all over everywhere all at once right now today!

     Now, there is one small hurdle that some Americans may have to leap over before we could allow this to happen on any scale at all: Thinking about what gay people do in terms of what it means to be gay. People are absolutely fascinated by this thought. Ask anyone, and he or she will give you a running commentary, blow by blow, of exactly what gay people do in their bedrooms. It must have been on the History Channel or NetGeo. The Not-So-Secret Lives of Gays….TEVOED by everyone! “Those men are holding hands; we know what that means!” Never mind that some characters on TV have lives that would make a sailor blush, no offense to the military.

     My point is that I don’t stay up all night wondering what gay couples do, and it does not bother me that they do this or that. I could care less. No, I don’t think I could. I really don’t care. If you eat at McD’s 30 times a week, and I am going to have to pay for your heart surgery when you are 40, I do care. No offense to McD’s. I’m just saying. If you smoke, drink, drive recklessly, don’t pay taxes, or steal from Wal-Mart, no offense intended, then I am concerned. If you take the clothing you buy at Wal-Mart and dress up in drag and parade around in your living room in broad day light, more power to you. What you do in your home is your business, unless it is abusive to someone else, especially a child. If we need protecting from you, then I think we need to look to lawmakers to spin you a web. If you have a business that makes poison on any level or rips people off or takes advantage of workers, then you need to be dealt with legally.

     But, if you and your significant other or others in your French gathering want to get jiggy with it and bale some hay, then I say plow the field. Gay, straight, or you guys on the gaming systems who don’t date any more, whatever, go for it. I don’t care what you do in the privacy of your own home.

     I don’t know that fighting against gay marriage has been a paying gig. While all of these folks are complaining about gays getting into divorce court or having marriage fever, they are not working anywhere. What are they producing? How are they using their own time and energy? You could have been watching a football game on TV. You could have been taking the little lady out for dinner. You could have been mowing the yard, reading to your kids, or working at your favorite hobby, but no, you were memorizing the private lives of gays. Does it hurt when I poke you right here? Yes, so don’t poke me there! Does it do you any good to worry about what these folks are going to do on their own time? Not one bit. So, why get so worked up about it?

     We all know the answer to that question: The Gay Agenda!

     All gays want other gays to love. The fascination that some straights have with the thought that all gay men want to have their way with them is just plain cowardly conceit! You are not the focus of the gay agenda! They want to celebrate their love for each other. And on occasion, as in the Valentine’s Day celebrations that other couples revel in, they want to say it out loud. It is not like the outrageousness of cell phone use where everywhere I go some idiot is talking at the top of his lungs as if his conversation is the very most important thing on the planet. It’s more like Thanks Giving Day. A few days a year. In fact, we could hold that down to a roar and a flame if we had national Gay Pride Day. Not a national holiday to get out of work, but a Saturday of an off-month to boost sales and get people into a spending mood. Let’s say something like the end of the first week in August. Something festive this way comes!

     Look if there is even 5% of the population that is gay, that’s 15 million folks and those who would party with them. If they each had at least one friend who was not gay, that would be 30 million, and if they all spent only $5 to party that day, then that would be an influx of $150 million dollars, plus gas, drinks, and clothing for the occasion. If we can make laws based on the money it would generate and the jobs it would save or create, then Gay Marriage is worth looking into. If the concept is just too foreign and no matter what, you simply can’t gag it down, now you know how I feel about pollution, banking control, tax reform, the budget deficit, health care, and paying so much for congressional salaries only to have them line up for lobbyist handouts. Your moral indignation over the gay agenda pales in light of what you do allow to go on. Now let’s roll up our sleeves and work on something meaningful. What a bunch of fruitcakes!

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