Chris Herrington decided years ago that his reality was much more fun…
and he’s ready to tell you why.
Sit back and relax.
It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
When we get into situations on a daily basis, we tend to do things to continue, avoid, or stop those situations. If we like it or take pleasure in it, we try to continue it, if appropriate. If we don’t like it or want to avoid it in the future, we take steps to make it stop and to keep it from happening again. In both cases, some of what we try is reactive and some is responsive. What’s the difference, then, between being reactive and being responsive?
Reactive actions are those that are based on our attempting to demonstrate that our own actions, beliefs, feelings, or thoughts are righteous. If I am reacting, I will show it by my being more concerned with my being right than I am with the truth of the situation. Reactiveness almost always follows righteous indignation. “I know that I am right and that you are wrong.” This is not at all important to a responsive person.
No matter how right we are, we cannot make someone else agree with our sense of right and wrong, or power and impurity, or satisfaction and awareness. My religion, politics, thought forms, beliefs, faith, or feelings are my own, and I know it. If someone does something against the law, I let the law take care of it. Does this mean that I never come to anyone else’s rescue? I never take anything for granted, and I never assume anything either. We cannot make others see what we see. The key here is that if we are doing something as a reaction, we will base our thoughts and feelings on what someone else has done.
Do we need to give that power to someone else? I am not going to give anyone else that power, under any circumstances. Reacting people rationalize their feelings based on what others do. Even at this point some people will defend their right to be treated as right if they are right.
We could simply ask, “To what end?” What is the point of being right beyond our having understood?
For some people, it is not enough to be right, they must also be agreed with, and that’s a tall order. Is it reasonable to demand that everyone on the entire planet agrees on anything? If others do disagree with you, what will you do about it and how far will you take it to make sure that they do agree with you, if not in spirit at least in terms of behavior?
“You did that, so I will do this.”
High signs are:
Anger
Violence
Blaming
Shaming
Helpless to prevent bad ideas
Self-righteousness
Humiliation
If you are reacting to something, just about anything you do about it is okay because you have the right to be mad, upset, feel abused, feel angry, get back, and you have a right to compensation because you feel hurt, betrayed, destroyed, or humiliated.
When you are reacting, if you feel embarrassed and can rationalize your reactions, what you chose to do as a reaction to what has happened to you may be 10 times worse than what was actually done to you. If someone were to be mean to you, in reaction to that, you could become a full-blown monster. If someone did other than what you wanted, how you wanted it, or in any way did what you deem unacceptable, in reaction to that, you could become a full-blown monster. That’s reacting.
The people who react the most are presently mounting a defense right now that declares that they were right to do what they chose to do in reaction to what they feel or think they have experienced because those circumstances were so totally calling for it. Reactions are the excuses we use to become monsters and then we legitimize it because others made us react that way. Really, we may feel that we had no choice as to how we reacted because any normal person would have done the exact same thing.
“You just got on my last nerve.”
“I’m sorry; I over-reacted. My bad!”
Reacting is a frame of reference that induces, allows, advises, makes us do things we know are destructive and debasing. Responding is an entirely different concept.
When we respond to what others are doing, we are not committed to any chosen action because of what they chose to do. Responsiveness is completely freedom-oriented. Responsive people do what they do because they have thought out what may be the best outcome given the circumstances of their lives.
I do what I do because I am doing what needs to be done in the moment, regardless of what has previously happened or what choices anyone else has made. My feelings about others are not dependent on whether or not people do or say what I want them to. Because I am not living under the limit of my expectations of others, I can afford to not get angry if others do not follow the given plans.
Because I am not living under the limit of my expectations of others, I am less likely to get stressed out over how things go. Because I am not living under the limit of my expectations of others, I am more likely to have a sense of humor about what is going on in the world. Because I am not living under the limit of my expectations of others, I am free to act in a way that meets the demands of the moment without my needing to create an emotional reaction for or in others.
Responsive people are not manipulating, humiliating, or attempting to control others. Responsive people are not being responsible for the ideas, actions, or feelings of others. Responsive people are being responsible for their own ideas, actions, or feelings.
No one can make me feel the way I feel. No one can make me think the way I think. No one can make me do anything at all since I make my own choices to do and feel and think and act as I wish.
This is not merely being willful and self-centered. Far from it. Responsiveness, being responsive, is built on our being open to changing the way we think or feel based on reality and the ever-expanding view of the universe we have as open-minded people. I respond by my being able to adapt to and adopt new ways of thinking and feeling as I need to in order to be true to the moment. Reactiveness differs from responsiveness in that those who react feel they have little or no freedom to act, and yet those who are responsive are able to act with complete freedom and humility. The responsive move is to do that which is necessary to resolve the conflicts involved. The two might appear identical, but they are emotionally different in that the reasoning behind responding is to assertively resolve conflict mutually; reacting may in fact escalate conflict or seek to end it aggressively.
The reactive move is to worry less about resolving the conflict than about getting self-righteous justice, revenge, and jealous paybacks.
Responsiveness frees us to think and feel free from distraction, whereas reactiveness requires us to think and feel enslaved to the acts we perform, like a lie following more lies. I would rather be free to feel what I feel without anger, frustration, or overt pride.
Where is the real weakness then in the reactive and responsive system? Most people are convinced that they must be forceful in order to be heard, that others will not listen to them unless they are controlling every move on the board, as if life is a game to win at. The truth is that life is not a game, and there is no winning at all. Life is a relationship to the truth, with the truth, about the truth. We can’t force the truth to be real, honest, free, or understandable. We can, however, be truthful, honest, free, available, and real ourselves. And we can only do that if we are being responsible for who we are and letting others be responsible for who they are.
I don’t know you, and I am not judging you for where you are on the path of living life responsibly. All I know is that I will not react to what you do, say, think, or feel. I can at least do you and myself that favor. However else it turns out, after all my plans, I will cross that bridge when I get there.
To be responsive is not to be defenseless. It does not mean that we are without means of beginning new things. It does mean that there are a thousand responses to any event, behavior, interactivity, or relationship. Reactive people are fairly predictable.
Responsive people have the added advantage of having surprise on their side. Reactive people act out of a lack of planning for the challenging event, but responsive people have been in training for just such an occurrence. Reactive people rely on luck; responsive people don’t believe in luck. There are no accidents, only opportunities.
runningturtle87
Having completed 32 years of public school service, Chris Herrington lives, with his wife, in Appleby, Texas, and his writing consists of blogging and essay writing concerning an array of topics including education, mediation, self-development, and human interests. He teaches at the Martin School of Choice, plays racquetball, and enjoys his job.
Chris Herrington can be reached at herrington@everythingnac.com
