Chris Herrington, Contributing Writer
Relationships are an investment; if you don’t understand the market, can’t deliver on time, don’t keep enough petty cash in the register, and can’t seem to keep your mind in the game, you may end up broke, busted, divorced, and your credit rating may suffer in your dating pool. Many of us need to learn how to make deposits in our emotional bank accounts in order to keep the business of being together alive and thriving.
Let’s then set about determining what it is that defines this nebulous concept of the Emotional Bank Account and how we can keep from running afoul in its use.
All of us want certain things from our relationships, and we trade off with others in order to create and keep their and our commitments. This makes a relationship a business agreement of sorts. None of use wants to be used or taken advantage of. But it is only honest then that we treat others with the same respectfulness.
We hold our advantages and values as sign posts of what we can deliver and what we can ask for in exchange. If we are not much, we cannot ask for much. If we are a lot, we can ask for a lot. What is in question is the thing to be exchanged. We can’t exactly objectify a kiss or a hug or a night out, but if we don’t get our needs met, we certainly know it and we can come to resent it over time. We don’t want to keep tabs or count beans in an emotional relationship, and we certainly want to be giving from our hearts without expectation of anything in return, but let’s face it, relationships are a two way street.
Some women are described as “eye candy.” Some men are seen as a meal ticket or a Sugar Daddy. These are worn out examples, but let us simply begin with the thought that we exchange what we have for what we want, we barter. What do you want? What are you willing to trade in exchange? IF you want “eye candy,” what do you bring to the table? I work with many couples and the man will say that his wife is no spring chicken. I am not sure if he has looked in the mirror lately, but this sounds way more like an impotency problem than an aging “eye candy” problem. Of course we get older, wrinkled, and are less flexible. We worked at it. Instead of being charged up by someone new, you might think about charging up the battery you’ve got.
One or both of the participants in a relationship not only wants for him or herself to be loved, but also wants to love the other person. If only one does the loving, then there is the eventuality of rejection or concession. We sometimes call this settling. If there are strong enough advantages in the relationship to offset disadvantages, the relationship may survive. The question that is asked here is, “What is in it for me?” or perhaps alternatively, “Why should I suffer through or put up with this?” When my mother turned 40, my dad told her he was going to trade her in on two 20’s. Without missing a beat, my mother quipped, “Harold, you’re not wired for 220.”
In any case, it is best handled by constant communication and deep appreciation of the other person, and so the constant need to feed the Emotional Bank Account. How are we going to attend to another to-do list when we are already burdened enough, and so much so that we are in jeopardy of losing the one thing that drove us to work so hard to begin with? Priorities!
For some, a deposit is an absurd idea. Relationships go without saying, they think. They would not stoop to bother about this concept, and are clueless as to how they might affect a positive change in their relationships. Others plod along the course of constantly feeding or depositing to their Emotional Bank Accounts with spouses, significant others, and others like children and peers. We know these folks. They have the relationships to prove it.
Any relationship can suffer a fatal blow. The stronger the relationship the less likely this will happen. No relationship is impervious. Let’s check out exactly what it takes to stay in the go zone.
To argue or defame or constantly take pot shots is to risk a blow up and a blowout. To support, be open and listening, and to cherish the time will not absolutely secure the relationship, but it puts it on more solid ground.
Ridicule, criticism, being inattentive, and controlling maneuvers are a buzz kill. Admiration, attentiveness, and awareness of the other person’s feelings, thoughts, needs, and insecurities are steps in the right direction.
If the entire relationship seems headed for a totally bad train wreck, this did not happen overnight. It takes missing the clues and not paying attention on numerous occasions. Is it too late to do anything about it? If the well is dry and the checks are bouncing, this is when you go to your creditors and the bank officer and see what can still be done. Marriage counseling is an admission that you have not covered all your bases. Outright avoidance and plausible deniability will not help you in front of a judge in a divorce court. No one will be impressed by your argument that you can rationalize your way across 7 states. I’ve worked as a mediator for several years and seen simple divorces turn into $40,000 blowouts on account of ego and self-righteous driven controlling and avoidances. Those are expensive lessons in how not to act a fool, but they usually fall on deaf ears.
1. Every day is important, and the less that is true to you, the more important that day becomes to the other person in the relationship; divorce will be a shock to you and no surprise to your ex-partner.
2. If you are waiting for a special occasion, you are missing the boat; make it special or you are saying to the other person that he or she is nothing to write home about.
3. Always think of the opportunities in front of you as foreplay. Meals, opening doors, phone calls, e-mails, good-byes, hellos, and notes that you leave on the counter are all invitations to more good stuff. I’m not talking about having phone sex with your mate, I’m talking about giving the other person room to be emotionally naked by taking time out to ask for nothing at all and to give with your whole heart, real intimacy.
4. Leaving room in the schedule for being together is a problem for most couples. If you are so busy that you are all booked up, you may end up strangers.
5. Stop giving it all away at work. We all want to be the best we can be wherever we are, and that includes professionally and in business, work, or play. If you have to work every project, watch every sporting event, go to every meeting, or attend every function, give your attention to others, and then one night discover that you have not been the only person relating to your spouse, what did you expect? Abandonment leads to searching for intimacy. Stop trying to control your mate and start creating an atmosphere that leads to discovery of all your own hidden talents and skills, needs, wants, abilities, and support. Make yourself look good by being available, and your mate will look better to you.
Extra Credit: If you want your mate to do something, you do it first, show the success of it and open the way. If the old guy or gal needs an update, you show him or her how it is done. When you look marvelous, act marvelous, are enticing, you will get more done. Remember how it used to be? Go get it, Tiger.
If you have been partying like it is 1999, and you forgot to make constant and consistent emotional deposits, you may be broke. IF the relationship hits the rocks and you find yourself facing foreclosure, you will have to rebuild your credit and learn to pay attention next time, but the same skills will remain true. You can learn them now, or you can learn them later, but you cannot long forget to make deposits in your Emotional Bank Account while continuing to write checks you cannot cover. Anger, regret, and frustration will not pay the bills.
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