Chris Herrington, Contributing Writer
There are myriad moments when the thing we might have said only comes to us the second after we said what we said instead of something more appropriate. We call these things “typos” on the page, and misspeaking when we say them. If they are big enough, they become gaffs. If they are really big, we call them “relationship busters.”
We often want the other person to come across with the goods, to say it in such a way that it is easier for our ears to apprehend it in a subtle way that is both cherished and kind hearted, but that is not always the case. We find ourselves in conversations where the heat has become a raging fire, and all we know to do is to throw even more gasoline on the flames.
One way around this situation is to think of everyone around us as being hungry for a particular taste. Others are all approaching us with a preconceived idea and they want that idea worked out on us. It may not be apparent at first, but it often only takes a few seconds to know someone’s religious or political agenda, since they are a hammer looking for a nail. A metallic flavor for sure.
If you knew the other person’s background, sensitivities, reflex points, allergies, traumas, delicate moments, abandonment issues, etc., you would most certainly be better qualified to deal with him or her. Often we will say to ourselves that we don’t need to know all that and others need to be totally up to speed and in control of their stuff, emotionally and in every other way.
The question that comes up then is, “How helpful would it be if others knew our weaknesses, and our insecurities, and our sensitivities?” We might not trust them to know us, but it may be a stroke of luck that they start off inadvertently poking us right in the tender spot of our family or personal insecurities. If they just happen to luck into our personal stash of hard moments and push our buttons, they might take advantage or rummage through our emotional baggage. We can see that those around us take great care to stay out of the line of fire, but they also seem to bead in on the insecurities of others. Strange, that.
So, let’s then be aware, there are weak points and insecurities for everyone. It may not be dirty laundry to you, but an insecurity or sad moment, or loss disclosed, these can lead to odd moments in communication. Some people traffic in human misery, I am well aware. This does not mean that we need to.
Before you launch into what you need, the reason you bothered with this person in the first place, take a moment to consider the circumstances of their present moment, couched in the baggage of the past and wrapped in the heart ache of the moment. Are they already hurting and you are approaching a ticking time bomb? Are you yourself barely making it today and after a tough few days have to brave the world and yet here you are trying to hold it together and are on the verge?
Every situation is a potential mine field. Every human being has a rough and tough job just making it through the day. Add jealousy, anger, frustration, and insecurity to any conversation and it is bound to go upside down. Think about how the other person feels. Why? To help project the energy, the idea, the thought, the wave pattern that you yourself may have a sore spot that you hope others will respect. After all, how funny is it when someone pokes you in a wound and says, “Does it hurt when I do this?”
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