Herrington: Parents and Teens

In the ongoing battle between parents, and their authority, and the gleam of the understanding of the shortness of their parents’ mortality in the eyes of teens, there is an anguishingly undeniable fact: The fruit does not fall far from the tree for a reason. It is knowing that reason that will save and therefore win the day for many upon whom the wisdom of this statement is not wasted. You are your parents in training. The question is, “What did you learn?”

For many families, the teen years are full of turmoil and stepping over one line after another. The fire walls go up on both sides, and it seems that there is a sort of morbid joy in tarnishing the strength of each defense. Parents brought you into this world and they can take you out, they say. The answer is, “I doubt it!” Doubt is the great equalizer for teens.

If parents are so smart, why aren’t they themselves more successful? If parents have all the right ideas, why aren’t they rich, famous, and have bodies like Greek gods? If God helps those who help themselves, then why aren’t parents getting on the stick and mobilizing all of the self-help resources on the planet to get it right? If adults are so brilliant why didn’t they see the turn down turning wrong and avert it? If communication is so important, why can’t members of Congress stop bickering and make things work? Kids know how to push all the right buttons.

Make a statement to a kid and most likely he will say, “You don’t know that.” Well, how do you know? What is your proof? One of the best come backs of all time was delivered to me by a 17 year-old, “When you were my age, were you thinking about this stuff?” He had a point. I know what I was thinking about at 17, and it was not retirement.

But, parents are not without skills. All you have to do is to offer up the truth of the hate the teens have for the strings attached to the money they get from their parents. “Move out and do it on your own,” parents want to say to their kids. The troubling concern is that the kids will do just that. Couching surfing, odd jobs, sleeping on the streets, kidnaping, sex trafficking, drug running, jail time, abuse, gangs, disease, and pregnancy are so stressful that parents stay up at night worrying about the statistics as soon as their children are in their second trimester.

One thing that holds true: Students, that is kids, that is children, and yes, eventually teens, all have one thing in common with their parents: The nurture/nature experience. Given your particular biology, your genetics, your pre-dispositions, and your children’s, you share way more than you know. If you throw into that mix the element of family life and the combinations of like choices, then you have a volatile combinational chance of coming to blows with yourself on some level coming or going. Children mimic their parents and that drives the parents crazy. They had a bad enough time with it the first time and now their teens have to repeat the process? That is wounded twice with salt, please.

Your mother is not talking to you; she is telling you how she feels about herself. Your child is not repeating your mistakes, she is doing them for herself the first time because she is conditioned to do so on a 1000 levels. This is not about you; it is about them. They are not talking about you; they are talking about themselves. You have free will to choose to be any way you want, so why react to what someone else does? It reminds you of yourself.

Stop reacting and start understanding. Respond and see it for what it is. When you were there, you did the same thing. When you get there, you will act like that too. If you want to change that, then stop reacting. Start responding. Ask how that felt. Ask if that was the most effective way of handling it. If the strings are too much, cut them and take responsibility for yourself. But in any case, why get upset about it? Growing up is a normal and acceptable route of behavior. Live with it and move on.

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