Chris Herrington, Contributing Writer
Some people seem to make a career out of correcting the other person in the relationship. It’s not that they themselves are perfect, but it is always so easy to find fault and use this to control the other person. Eventually all you get is an act. Walking on eggshells, never being honest, afraid to be real, scared to make a mistake, resenting the judgmentalism. No matter what you do, only finding the scratches, the dents, the dings, the faults, the incompletions, the sore spots, and then always blaming, guilting, shaming, ridiculing, deriding, bossing, directing, trying to make it better, perfect, faultless, blameless, and only ending up with insecure, shallow, self-consciousness, and callousness. This is basis for much of the failure in relationships. “I only want the best for you” is a poison that kills the soul.
We seem to prey on weakness. And we tend to find ourselves used as victims in every scenario. Either or and yet both. We rationalize being mean, angry, sullen, bullying, controlling, demeaning, demanding, cruel, and pompous because we were mistreated. The lesson we took away was to dominate others. This is the way the world works, and we hate unfairness and yet we are not fair ourselves to those who love us most, especially.
We figure that we can’t do better, we are trapped, addicted, and we look down on those who have our weaknesses, and so we turn into monsters to fight back and become what terrorized us most in life. The abused becomes the abuser.
Where are those sacred vows, the high principled ethics, those almighty values, those family traditions, those moments of high moral ground when we turn into the thing we hate the most, rationalized by fear and projection and disorder and the pain of insecurity?
Above all we want to be listened to, and yet we listen to no one. We judge others because we are so judgmental of ourselves. Self-righteousness is the disease of the soul, and it kills the heart and makes us into psychotic stalkers, looking for the little, the small, the powerless, the kind, the sensitive, the insecure, and we put the fear of God into them for the sake of honoring the fear we ourselves have at the thought of being face to face with God and having to answer for our actions, thoughts, and feelings.
“I have a right to be angry. No one talks that way to me! I’ll show you! I won’t let that happen. Who do you think you’re talking to? Do you know who I am? I’ve got a degree from college? I won an award? I’ve done this for longer than you’ve been alive! I’m the parent, and you are just child! I’m the boss of you. I AM lording this over you. I am in charge. I have the power. I am a petty tyrant and I am God.” Yeah, I kind of got that picture.
We meet these people all the time. The odd thing is that many times they end up being in charge, the boss. It is like they have to live out their fantasy of being the best leaders when in fact they have no idea of how to manage human beings. They are awful at it, and they know it, and they are paranoid that everyone is talking about them behind their backs. “She is a monster.” “What a ginormous pinhead!” “He is a heartless, serial control freak.”
Meanwhile, the well-meaning people who actually do the real work go on in life not being paid for the real work they do. The jerks reward themselves for controlling things so well and mining every situation so that they can continue to count their money and the bodies they left behind, and no one says anything, except under their breath.
If we had a National Tell It Like It Is Day, and those who are abused by such people all came out of the national closet and told the truth, we could run these freaks out, but that is not going to happen. And they know it. The ones who use this tactic, these horrible bosses, these violent husbands, these judgmental mothers, these vicious children, these self-righteous wardens of the prisons they build around them with emotional hostage taking, these are the guardians of freedom and religion and manners and values and the Law. These are the ones that we know better about, and yet we say nothing. We do nothing. Why? What special power do they have over us. It’s simple.
They lie. We omit to tell the truth, but they lie. We need to speak up, speak out, stand up, point fingers, and document them into the eternal hellfire they have put us all through, but we omit doing that, because we fear their greatest weapon: They lie. All we want is the truth. All they want is to control and manipulate and abuse for the sheer pleasure of doing us in, not that they will do anything other than get away with it. Why? Because they were abused and their abuser got away with it. It’s simple.
And why don’t we tell? Stockholm Syndrome. We feel sorry for our abusers. They are miserable people who work around the clock to hold up their image of themselves as fine upstanding citizens. They are the gulag masters of their own creations. And we know who they are. Self-aggrandizing ministers of self-indulgence and public ridicule. They love to shame and blame and guilt and cut down, and yet they themselves are the most worthy of such a fate.
If in our wildest dreams we were strong enough, we would shadow them, expose their dark natures, record their conversations, observe their rituals of hate and shame, and then publically denounce their true faces, we might then….but the thought, the motion to do so, this is the evil that tortures us. To follow them in their footsteps is to become them. They will say that being politically correct is keeping us from even making a joke at all. A joke they mean at the expense of others. They do not want to be sensitive, because that would mean becoming aware and feeling the misery they spread. No, it is far more safe to simply slash down those around them; heaven forbid they should actually believe their own value system. Freedom of speech. Freedom of religion. The right to protect yourself. The need to honor our fellow human beings in their pursuit of happiness on their own terms. No, we cannot have that. That would be to lose control, and that is something that must never be.
runningturtle87
Another insightful entry. I have a little of this self-righteousness in me. It constantly competes with my more patient and open-minded side. It’s my daily prayer that humility and selflessness prevails.
Actually, I tend to think that anyone with a lick of sense would agree with you on this point. We tend to objectify people, strive for humiliating them, and blaming them for our lack of an ability to see beyond our own selfish rationalizations. If we are to see the wisdom of inductive logic, we need to begin with the humility you speak of so well; we don’t know it all and we hope to grow and learn more, and so therefore it is foolish to think that what we now “know” is the end of wisdom. Hopefully we are just getting started.