Chris Herrington, Contributing Writer
If something has gone terribly wrong, and we are cut to the bone. distrusting, deeply devalued, critically emotionally wounded, the transformation of a hurt identity into a freed identity requires re-evaluating ourselves as we view ourselves. Shame seems to be an identity crisis: Who am I now that I have been wronged or injured? Rape, abandonment, brutalization, discouragement, being bullied, told or shown that we do not measure up, being humiliated or stood up or discounted…these are things that are done to us and do not validate but rather de-valuate us….if we allow that. The beginning of forgiveness then is, on the purely psychic level, seeing the reality of the situation we find ourselves in.
Forgiveness is something we do ourselves for ourselves first. We forgive ourselves for taking chances, or being in the circumstance, for making certain choices, or for having this happen because of whatever we might have done that allowed this to occur. But we must go beyond that, beyond the circumstantial, and sit in the austerity of our loneliness and pain and see what good may have arisen out of the entire panorama of this experience, seeing it for what it was without our being offended by it. This will begin the journey of our getting beyond the shame of it all.
What those steps are is basically the same in all cases, the names change and the routine varies, but the basic content is the same: I was wronged, and this is not how I pictured it, and I don’t like the outcome, yes, that part is pretty straight forward. What is really challenging is to see this panorama from the perspective of seeing it as necessary in light of where you get to. If you stay in shame, there is no good or healthy perspective, only blame and shame, and regret. That part is truly a tragedy, and may be worse than the originating event in many ways.
The transformation comes in the form of transforming the content of the event into a learning experience that enlivens us, that creates in us a higher order perspective, a transcendent perspective. If we can use this painful experience to gain an insight into our own humanity, to see ourselves as more fully integrated, then it can become not only tolerable but even essential and defining of our new self. Where would we be now if this thing had not happened? Would we be able to look back reflectively, have the street credit to know ourselves in this way, become a victim’s advocate or a preventative counselor if we ourselves had not had that event? In this way, the event becomes necessary. We transform the content and therefore ourselves, and this, IMHO, is what forgiveness is.
It does not mean you become best buds with the perpetrator. It does not mean you go looking for transforming moments in the scary dark. It does not mean that you become rough and insensitive. It does mean that you see things unwrapped and laid out clinically for what they are. This is work and it is personal. Trust once broken is a hard thing to rebuild. Addictions, self-entanglements, and discrediting displays that shame us are things we do to ourselves. Others can have a horrible hand in our shaming. One thing is sure; we are how we are because of what we have survived. If that which does not kill me makes me stronger, as Nietzsche says, it is only because of that mindset that requires the philosopher’s stone of emotional gold to work through our pain without our remaining prideful, hurt, revengeful or self-righteousness about it. Forgiveness is freeing ourselves from self-hatred and our disgust of others. It is the freedom to love again, and the ability to listen to music without feeling crushed beneath the raw curve of its indelicate ability to cut right through us. It is the defining moment when our aesthetic abilities return to us the power to see beauty in a world that had turned dark and wretched. Even the most difficult landscape has a beauty if we can but learn to open our eyes and see the forgiveness it takes to see it as it is.
runningturtle87
