Herrington: Jesus’s Personal Ad: Girlfriend Wanted

Chris Herrington, Contributing Writer

     We might ask ourselves what it was that Jesus actually saw in the Gentiles that made him want to redeem them. He had a multi-tribed family of man already picked out and had been working with them for several thousand years; I wonder if he just plain got tired of the same old same old, or maybe he got exhausted with their constant belly aching, whatever. If he had made a deal with Abraham and that crew, why open the door and take on still more rebellious people? Personally, I think Jesus had a fetish.

     If you think about it, the heathens we’re anything like the Jews; they had their own customs and strange ideas of what made for good relationships. And then there was Mary Magdalene, who was only maybe Jewish. The woman has been often described as a harlot, although accounts run the gambit on that. I tend to think of the whole ordeal as a very personal adventure, like a want ad or personal ad you might place in the Jerusalem Daily Bugle.

     “Hebrew woodworker, early 30’s, with unconditional love, seeks everlasting relationship with local girl, variety preferred: tattoos, piercings, willfulness, and children or other baggage ok. Contacts are: Jesus of Nazareth, way more than just a stone’s throw from Jerusalem, or meet me in the Garden of Gethsemane by Thursday afternoon.”

     I picture someone like Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler): sleek, sexy, vulnerable, alluring, and completely spiritually capable of all 64 positions of the Kama Sutra. Yeah, she can and will do anything that any 3 Orthodox Jewish chicks look like they can do. Now, some people will winch at this, I know. But, it’s not like the Gentile people were kosher in any sense of the word. And Jesus and John were absolutely begging for folks to believe and behave and obey, and yet….oh, well. So, what kind of girl did Jesus go to all of this trouble for? We know! A bad girl.

     And he was doing everything for her, making it so that no one was going to be judged, because his girl was going to be purified and sanctified by his sacrifice for her. I’m sure his Dad was like, “Son, you have lost your mind.”

     “No, Dad, this is the girl for me.”

     “Oh, Jesus!”

     Now all of this sounds very irreverent and stuff, sure, but we’ve got to admit, he didn’t settle of just any girl. She was not even a home town girl. And people all over the world claim to fit the description. It’s not like they don’t all say the same thing: “Please be patient with me; God is not finished with me yet.” None of them will say they are not sinners. And the wildest thing is that in the end, although they will try to witness that they have stopped doing drugs, sex, and rock and roll (LOL), they eventually come to a point where they are all about humbleness and they learn to just trust the Lord instead of being self-righteous and thinking that they could ever oblige God. Then it really is about Jesus and not about their own faith. It’s called trust.

     Oh, I imagine that some people still have that old standard way of looking at Jesus’s dating life; you know the one, where he does speed dating. He meets the girl at the date site, and she’s a little coy, and so he buys a bottle of wine. After about 20 minutes he warms up to her and tells her that he loves her and that they should get married. This is a little of a shock to her, because it’s the first date, but then he insists. They should get married and go for a swim, but if that’s not cool, he promises to set her on fire and throw her off of a really high cliff, so how about it?

     Now, this puts the entire wedding thing in kind of a jam: Live eternally with this nut case or die eternally while he sits on his balcony and watches her burn. Decisions, decisions. Okay, she goes for it, but only if she can call on him to beat down her ex’s and if she can be healthy for life, which kinds of makes dying a weird thing eventually anyways. Hmmmmm.

     This puts a whole new spin on the concept “Jesus Freak,” don’t it? Okay, so let’s just check and see where this got us. Some people are boiling mad about right now. Well, that was the point. Where does all of that anger come from? As angry as you are that things are not being said that you agree with, God still loves you, right? You have probably thought all kinds of things, and all of those thoughts have been seen by God as as good as your having done it, if you just only thought of it. This is why I say, “Jesus must have been a real freak to have hooked up with so many people who were so intolerant and angry and self-righteous and self-satisfied. Not that Marisa Tomei is that way, I just think that in order to get her through the Pearly Gates he had to let everyone else through. So, it’s a good thing the hooker was there to capture his imagination, otherwise we would have all been cooked and all we like sheep would have been ordered to the slaughter.

     And just think, every time you judge someone who is turning tricks, the biggest trick that was ever turned was you. Jesus had a fetish; he got off to freaks like us. Don’t think that God does not have a sense of humor.

runningturtle87